Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Guest post from author, Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein, on Marriage and her new book, Next Year In Jerusalem

Guest post from author, Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein, on Marriage and her new book, Next Year In Jerusalem. 

Stay tuned for my review tomorrow.

What Can Natalie Do to Make Her Marriage Less Boring
Often times in marriage we expect the honeymoon to continue forever and the till death do us part, to be glamorous and always fulfilling, but how does our spouse know what we want if we don’t tell them. Even characters get bored in their marriages. We asked author Barbara Holstein what advice she would give to Natalie to make her marriage a little less boring.
Barbara:  One of the critical mistakes that Natalie makes in her marriage in Next Year in Jerusalem! is not making her desires and needs clear to David. She is a woman with an amazing memory for detail and she is also passionate. The combination is wonderful. But that is a combination of talents that demands a feeling of frequent intimacy with a partner. Natalie needs and craves that intimacy. However, she doesn't understand that in order to get intimacy she has to be willing to share with David more of her inner life and herself. Ok, he's kind of a preoccupied guy. But that doesn't mean he can't make himself available. He loves her. He would probably feel very sad to know that she has busied herself with some very old memories that have nothing to do with him.
Here are some suggestions, Natalie:
  1. Bring David closer to you, not further away by reaching out to him. Don't wait for him to reach out to you! You have the talents. Use them.
  2. Plan a great sexy evening for the both of you and surprise him. He will love it. I promise.

About Next Year in Jerusalem
You may be wondering why I chose the title Next Year in Jerusalem! for my new novel.  Why not Forbidden Romance or Romantic Travel or Spiritual Awakenings or Lust, Memories and Old Friends on Facebook?  After all Natalie and Maggie are two women, both caught up in issues that many of us face: a somewhat dull but faithful husband; a bad marriage leading finally to a divorce; a desire for adventure; unsatisfied spiritual longings.  They have a great friendship with each other, something research keeps confirming, keeps us young and emotionally happy, but life is far from easy for either women. 
So again, why would I focus on a strange title that comes out of a book written thousands of years ago? 
Here is one of the reasons.  Next Year in Jerusalem! is actually a phrase that shows up at the end of the Haggadah.  Those of you who are not Jewish may wonder what that is.  The Haggadah is a book that the Jews have used for thousands of years to celebrate and relive the Passover experience.  Many people know that the central theme of the story is how the Jews, who were slaves in Egypt, were finally able to escape and began their long journey of 40 years to get to the promised Land, which was Israel.  However, what a lot of people don't realize is that this theme is universal and can be taken metaphorically for all of us.  That is why when the Haggadah ends with the fourth glass of wine being drunk, and the words, Next Year in Jerusalem! the phrase becomes so significant. 
We all have a struggle in our lives.  We all are searching for personal freedom, whether we are unfortunately in a horrible situation, such as a prison, or whether we are simply trying to be true to our own selves as we age and develop.  I'm going to talk a lot more about this theme. 
However, to make this more real.  Let me give you an example that somewhat parallels some of the struggles that Maggie goes through after her divorce.
Here is what a friend told me about a bad time in her marriage. She had gone to a lecture where the speaker talked about how we all have to go out of our own personal Egypt, at times in our lives. She said that was certainly how she was feeling, struggling through some bad days with her marriage where she often felt criticized or misunderstood. She felt that the language between them no longer worked. All words seemed to lead to further arguments and put-downs. She was trying to find ways to honor herself through speaking 'her own language'. Again, I mean that metaphorically. For example, one day she went out with her fiends, shopping and having so much fun. She felt as if she and was leaving her Egypt for a day and meeting her own needs. She could speak in ways that were understood, and relax without fear of conflict. She could laugh. Her friends 'got it' -whatever 'it' was, they all understood each other. She quickly found herself feeling uplifted during that day's outing.
My friend left her own Egypt, at least for the time being, by maintaining a sense of her own needs and what made her joyful. In her case shopping, good conversation, and laughter with friends was a successful recipe for well-being.
She knew she hadn't reached the promised land yet. She knew she had a difficult marriage to work on and/or ultimately leave, but she found a way to at least temporarily release herself and be was true to herself.  And in this sense she was already on her way to her promised land.  It might take another year or more, but she would get there.  And by the way she did!
So for her, she could honestly say, Next Year in Jerusalem!

About Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein
Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein, internationally known positive psychologist, inspires thousands with her ENCHANTED SELF®. Around the world people benefit from her techniques to enhance well-being, and to live up to their potential. Known for her ability to make complex psychological concepts easy to understand and to implement, she has now turned her talents to novel writing.  "A great fiction read is a great escape, and yet, it is more! It is the gateway to new ways of thinking and behaving."

Dr. Holstein received her Doctorate in Education from Boston University and her BA degree from Barnard College. Dr. Holstein has been a school psychologist and taught first and second grades. She is in private practice with her husband, Dr. Russell M. Holstein, in Long Branch, New Jersey. Find her at

Her previous books include:
·       THE ENCHANTED SELF, A Positive Therapy
·       Recipes for Enchantment, The Secret Ingredient is YOU!
·       The Truth (I'm a girl, I'm smart and I know everything)
·       Seven Gateways to Happiness: Freeing Your Enchanted Self.

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